broken ice

Well, I broke the ice last night. I went out on a date. Luckily it was just a short one … a late-night meet up for a drink. The best that I can say is that he wasn’t my type. At all. Seriously.

But now that’s done. Now I know that I am capable of putting myself out there in that way.

The best part was that right before I went out to meet him, I called up my best friend feeling totally nervous and freaking out. I asked her what I should do if he’s better than me? And she answered that I couldn’t think that way. She said “you gave a man that power for ten years and you don’t ever want to it again.” The voice of reason … as always.

And she’s right. I let J make me feel like he was better than me basically every day of our life together. I let him drop my self-esteem until it was virtually nonexistent. I gave him that power over me and I never want to do that again.

thank you, Fiona …

the boys i mean are not refined
they go with girls who buck and bite
they do not give a fuck for luck
they hump them thirteen times a night

one hangs a hat upon her tit
one carves a cross on her behind
they do not give a shit for wit
the boys i mean are not refined

they come with girls who bite and buck
who cannot read and cannot write
who laugh like they would fall apart
and masturbate with dynamite

the boys i mean are not refined
they cannot chat of that and this
they do not give a fart for art
they kill like you would take a piss

they speak whatever’s on their mind
they do whatever’s in their pants
the boys i mean are not refined
they shake the mountains when they dance

— e.e. cummings

a fucking butterfly

I am in a better place today than I was for the last post. Thank goodness.

I have decided not to be embarrassed about the fact that I joined WeightWatchers. I mean seriously, if it’s going to work (which it totally is) then why should I be embarrassed about it? Also once you start counting points, it’s amazing to discover how many other people out there have done it too (thanks, Faye!). And honestly, As much as I miss eating bagels slathered in butter and ice cream and … you know … whatever I want , I actually feel fantastic! I am astounded at how many vegetables my body can handle without feeling like crap (unlike candy or bagel chips or any of the other stuff I used to snack on).

And, whoah, I joined OKCupid yesterday. A friend of mine, who is also going through a divorce, has been going out on casual dates through this site and has been loving it. So he talked me into trying it. I’m not ready to start actively dating or seeking out a new relationship. I simply have no interest right now. But casual dating and fooling around? I could use some damn fun and games in my life right now.

So yeah. I patently refuse to be a victim to my own circumstances. It would be so easy for me to simply give up, curl up in a ball and die. But I seriously refuse. I ended my relationship with J because I believed that there was something better on the other side. If all I’m allowing myself to find on the other side is misery then I’m acting like a damn idiot. Instead I’m going to make my life better and fuller and more like I want it to be.

Faye, you spoke the truth … a fucking butterfly better come out of this shit. And I have faith that it will.

I can’t sleep.

My life is going through some serious upheaval right now. Some of it is simply good, some of it is impossibly difficult in the long run and will be good in the long.

I started smoking again in November, something which I’m so incredibly embarrassed about that it’s hard to describe. Ugh. After four years of being a nonsmoker I let myself go back to it. How can I not be embarrassed? But now I’m quitting smoking again. Not fun for right now, but it’ll be fine in a month or two. Upheaval #1.

Also I joined WeightWatchers. I am sick and tired of being overweight (60 pounds overweight, to be exact) so I’m taking some damn action. I have made myself a deal … that I am not allowed to be ashamed of the steps I’m taking as long as they are working. So I refuse to be ashamed of the fact that I’m counting all my food in points, eating fake meat, and doing all this other silly stuff to try and lower my weight. I’m going to do it and I don’t care how it gets done.

On the same point as the last one, I hired myself a person trainer. He’s a giant dude who REALLY knows his business. He’s awesome and I really like him. So far I’ve only been going to the gym for our appointments, not for the rest of the week. The part of this that I need to do on my own is the cardio part, because with the trainer I only work on strength training. But I’m having a helluva hard time dragging myself to the gym to do the cardio part of this whole working out thing. I’m really interested in trying to turn myself into a runner at some point, but that point is a ridiculously long way off. In order to become a runner I have to start off small, and that’s something I’m having a hard time with. But soon, soon I promise I’ll get going on it.

And I’m exhausted right now, but can’t sleep. I’m hungry and I want a damn cigarette, but I’m out of points and no longer smoking. Oh well. I’ll survive and emerge better than before.